My recent journey is one of depth, one of deep self observation, and one of honoring the heart. I'm learning what this looks like each day as life happens, emotions come, and I need to react. We have so many choices on a daily basis of what we do with our heart. Our heart. This living breathing organ inside of us that pumps blood and oxygen through our body. This thing that is the life force of all our organs. Oh how I treasure this heart. But I want to treasure it more. I certainly think about it more than I ever have before. So, what does it mean to truly take care of my heart? I'm learning. That's my current journey.
This past weekend my brother got married. Now, I know he's my brother-in-law but Nathan is truly my brother in every sense of the word so we'll just leave out the b-i-l label. Nathan married his true soul mate, Elizabeth May Webb. It was an epic wedding. Epic in the sense that I literally felt the Kingdom of God open up and come down. The Kingdom "came" to earth through this union. I felt it in my bones. I felt it in my heart.
As Elizabeth gracefully and joyfully walked down that isle to her awaiting groom, angels sang and light blazed. As I stood and watched my brother looking at his adorned bride walking down the isle, tears streamed down my eyes. I felt thunder, I felt applause of angels. I felt ... TRUE JOY. I could not contain my smile. Bursting! I felt I was going to burst! I haven't had an experience like this before. I felt like the Spirit came and gifted me with the gift of joy. It was a joy in the God who restores all things. Who brings "beauty from ashes, joy from mourning". This is the God that I serve! And I felt like that wedding was one huge worship service to this God, to this Jesus. It. Was. Amazing.
Not only that, but the reception ... glorious. I danced with all my might! I danced with my groom of 8 years that I fall MORE and MORE in love with each day. I completely let go and danced with pure adoration of this amazing God and the love he bestows. Maybe that is what David felt when he danced before the Lord. I certainly think so. This worship felt no different to my spirit than how I feel when I'm listening to worship music and singing. It was an amazing blessing. It was a gift.
Later on the car ride home, late into the night, I said to Jonathan, "I feel like I am high." Though I'd drunk no alchohol whatsoever. I knew that I quick literally was high on love. Amazing. Not just a surfacey love feeling that comes and goes. This was deeper. This was spirit-filled.
So as I'm processing this I feel like maybe this is part of the journey that happens when you choose to live in more freedom with your heart. Maybe this is the effect. You get to feel MORE. I've always been a sensitive girl (my parents and loved ones will confirm this) but maybe I'm going to experience even more in this heart of mine as Jesus restores more and more of it. That excites me.
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Just days after this, a situation brought me to tears. Deep tears.
Tears seem to be coming more easily as well. I am allowing them to come. If I feel the urge, I let it go. No longer storing things. No longer pushing things down. Choosing to live and feel and communicate those feelings. Tears are amazing. I feel they, like the joy that I felt so deeply only days ago, are a special gift.
"The gifts of tears and laughter are among the signs of empowered release. Tears do not necessarily mean sadness or depression. Tears can be a cleansing act of opening, an expression of gratitude and love pouring forth from the deep springs of inner life. Even when tears do come from grief, grieving openly and freely is a bodily sign of trust and release."
(Father Thomas Ryan, pg 54, Reclaming the Body in Christian Spirituality)
So, I'm going to continue to pave these news paths for my heart. I'm going to continue the dance of communicating my feelings to those in my life. I'm going after more and more and more healing each day. This is my journey. And my heart feels alive. Even in the pain. Even in the confusion and heartache. I'm alive and I'm so very glad.
