At my edge

I'm at a limit. At an edge. I use this term all the time, especially when I teach Yin Yoga. You go to your edge, honor it, listen when it makes itself known, stop, observe. And then as you breathe things begin to open and move and edge changes. It is so cool to witness in class, and especially in my own body when I practice. Today I come to an emotional edge. Doctors. Surgeries. Appointments. Tests. I'm at my edge. I am to my limit. I know I can keep going. But emotionally I'm feeling so drained and depleted. I can't talk about it very much. I really don't want to. I feel afraid to go forward. Afraid not to. Mix all that with hope that THIS doctor can help me further. That THIS next test will help me step into a better season of health. Hope. Promise. Like the Israelite's walking into their new land. Yes, like that. I have been crying a lot through this last series of tests. I think I'm becoming ok with that though. People tell me, "You are so strong!" And most of the time I brush it off because I see my inner world and don't think that about myself. But today ... Today I went to Murray's "Spirit of the Asana" class. What a game-changer that is for my heart up here. First of all he's a guru. He works magic as he adjusts you and it has been so altering for my practice. But it mostly feeds my soul and heart. Today he talked about when people compliment you, don't brush it off. Say "THANK YOU!" So I started to say in my heart, maybe they are right. Maybe I have been brave and strong through all this. That can be true about me today. Yes. He also talked about lighting up from the INSIDE in your practice. And as he explained that he said to picture your favorite person walking through the door right now to see you. That is what lighting up inside feels like. And it did. Joy really is strength as the Bible says. So I'm claiming Joy. I've been praying it and speaking it over my heart. It is my inheritance to have joy. It is yours too. So, yes. I'm at my edge. And I may cry many more tears. But I'm becoming ok with this. Tears purify and cleanse and they don't mean I'm not strong. And who really says what "coping well" has to look like. No more ... this looks like what it looks like. So here's to my new edge. Hello. And I think I'll start to take deep breaths now.