slow & steady

Slow & steady. That's me in many ways. I hate being rushed. I need time and space to process, to confirm. I need ample time in the morning to wake up, to read, or pray or breathe - or all three! Ask anyone who knows me and they will nod. I've been like this since a very young age. I'm at peace with this fact now. And yet, I see myself growing. Life has a way of continuing to put you outside of your comfort zone. Change is a constant. We can all attest to that. Even though not many of us enjoy big changes, they keep coming. And this afternoon I am thankful for that. Slow and steady. I'm adapting to new things, uncomfortable things, hard things. I'm making new space for good things too, exciting things. I'm saying 'yes' to things I sort of want to say 'no' to. I'm never sorry for that 'yes'. (Small note: if you have never seen "Yes man" with Jim Carrey, please go see it. You will laugh a lot, but you'll be awakened to something as well. We like that movie and quote it often in our home.) I hiked a 14er this Summer. What is a 14er you ask? A mountain that stands around 14,000 ft above sea level. They are scattered throughout our fine state and we are blessed to claim one right here in Breckenridge - Mt. Quandary. And trust me, it must get it's name because there are SO many rocks and boulders on that mountain. Sheesh! Neither Jonathan, nor I, had done it and he got the bright idea to do it on my 3 year anniversary of my cardiac arrest. "Ummmm, really?!" I thought. I was doubtful. Shouldn't we just do a nice little (flatter) hike somewhere else? I asked him if he really, REALLY believed I could do it. No, like do you REALLY, ACTUALLY think I can do it? I must have asked him some form of this question 10 times. Each time, "Yes, sweetheart. You can do it. We'll take it slow and steady. We'll do it together." O-kayyyyy ... Hmm. I wasn't so sure, but once something is before me, I'm going to do it. (Side note - the extent of my activity right now is a whole lot of yoga, hiking, and biking around Breck on my oh-so-adorable Cruiser-style bike. Not intense, just fun physical stuff. So this is why I was seriously questioning my ability to hike so far, not to mention so high up!) So on the morning of July 5th, we set out with our sweet puppy at 6:00 a.m. to hike up that mountain. What a thrill to put my gear back on after a few years of missing it. Get my hiking poles, put Nyah's backpack on her cute back - she has to carry her own food and water friends - and set out for something so physical. My yoga trained lungs were fantastic. No problem with the lack of oxygen or the exertion in that way. I breathed like a champ, I was so proud. Good job lungs! One step at a time, I got up that trail. It was hard at the false summits. My hip started to ache, my legs were dead at certain points. Cramping set in, but was remedied by food or water. One step at a time. Jonathan must have told me how proud he was of me a million times. That man is amazing. He is endlessly patient & unfailingly kind. We reached the top - finally. Tears fell. Good tears. Tears that symbolized gratitude, pride, amazement, bliss, relief, wonder, joy, companionship & intimacy. It was amazing. Reclaiming that day in such a physical way. I felt like the athlete inside of me had been sleeping for a while and she woke up! Three years ago my life nearly ended. And this year look at what I am doing on this day. We took this picture at the top as a family. I treasure it in a way that cannot be articulated. When you get to the top of a 14er, the beauty takes your breath away - not to mention there really is a lack of oxygen up there. Sure you've seen pictures of this sort of thing, but when you reach it on your own and see mountain tops before you, valleys, lakes, snow (yep snow in July), endless blue and green and every shade in between - it requires a silence. I just took it in. Grateful doesn't cover what I feel, but it is a word I'll use. I'm so glad I'm alive. Living my life with the man of dreams, in the place of my dreams. Family, friends, work I love. Simple things that make life so beautiful. I'm grateful. We got down the mountain, too, which sounds like it would be easier but it is not easier. By the end I was walking with Gumby, rubber legs. And I was sore for about 5 days afterward even with all the yoga and body rolling I do. I'm so proud of myself. It's a good form of pride. Good job body. Good job mind. Good job HEART. Thank you for pumping and working and getting me up there. It wasn't fast. It was slow and steady. And I'm good with that.

roberta jean ...

Remember those chore boards from when you were a kid? Those lovely little charts with empty boxes awaiting completion. I simply adored (and still do) anything that when accomplished, gets a shiny GOLD STAR sticker! Or pink or purple ... One of my most favorite tasks was setting the table. Not just any table though - the dining room table. WITH CHINA! My mother's beautiful plates - off white, gold rimmed, fragile, delicate and simply wonderful. People make fun of china saying it's wasteful and needless. In fact I did not register for it when I got married, but I love my mother's china. There were steps to setting the oh-so-special dining room table for holidays. First, you have to put the table extensions into the table which requires you to pull the table apart (SO COOL!) and put the long wooden extensions in. I love magic, expanding tables. The next step was to put these bright green, felt-lined (think of the last pool table you played on and it's exactly that texture) pads on top of the beautiful, and now HUGE, dining table. Then ... the longest table clothe ever, plates, silverware, gravy boat, salad bowls, water goblets, wine classes... It was like playing to me. The silverware wasn't just in a drawer, it was in a special box! And the dining room had a special cabinet with all these wonderful goodies in it. I can muster up the amazing smell of this cabinet right this very minute. Setting the dining room table for a holiday or special meal ... I simply loved it and I love even the memory of this job. My mother let me do it since I was pretty little I think. Though I cannot remember the exact age this task was assigned to me, I had to have been pretty young. There are certain times in growing up that you just love being an adult. Independent, confident, out there doing things and becoming someone. There are other times that I love being a child still. A daughter. Like when I go and visit my Marmee in Memphis and I walk into her closet. I do it every visit. It smells like Marmee. A very, very good smell. My mom has always smelled so good, and she started my grown up love affair with all things perfume, candles, oils and more. Back to the closet though - I love seeing what's in there. Her stuff. I'll just flip through it and browse. It's not the clothes. It's her essence. She's very beautiful outwardly, but there's more to it than that. I love seeing the colors and textures that compose how she expresses herself. And don't get me started on her jewelry. Roberta is sort of a jewelry fanatic. She has a lot of it - and it's awesome. I love opening her drawer and seeing it. Touching the different stones or chains. My father bought her some amazing jewels back in the day (I saw romance first hand when I was growing up) and it's only grown and gotten more and more unique as her tastes have changed and expanded. All of this takes me back to a young age. I love that feeling. I'm a daughter. I remember watching my mother many times when I was young. On stage singing. She was so beautiful. Loud and expressive with her voice. I loved watching her play the piano. I still do and request for her to sing songs from Les Miserables or Phantom of the Opera when I can. I loved cooking with her and also watching her cook. She made (and still does) yummy stuff. I loved watching her in her garden. Mom has an extremely green thumb. I loved watching her do her hair - the smells of a hair dryer just turned off, a curling iron heating up. The particular scent of makeup - Estee Lauder was her brand back then. I am considered by many as a very "girly" girl in this way. I love being a woman and all the feminine things that compose that. I think my mom showed me how from a very young age and I'm grateful for that. I love that I can call her up and ask her the most "Martha Stewart" question and she typically knows the answer or will find it for me. Something I'd don't take for granted. I love these memories - the emotions they evoke, the smells, the colors. I'm so grateful I have a mother like I do. I love you Marmee. You are beautiful. And you bring beauty to the world in everything that you do. Happy Mother's Day.

Connecting to Change

I find it funny how so many of us say things like, "change is so hard!" "I hate change!" or "I'm not good with change." I would probably be one of those people, so I'm speaking to myself here. So we avoid change and/or complain a lot when it comes our way. With the Harvest season in full swing I have been contemplating this topic for several weeks, and I'm beginning to see a flip side to this avoidance and dread toward change. We actually crave certain types of change. We would love to see changes in a job we hate, in a relationship that's gone south, in fertility, or numbers like our incomes or waistlines. Those types of changes are happily and joyfully absorbed into our world. So maybe the problem isn't really that we don't like change, but we like to control what the change is. I know so many people waiting for ... something. Waiting for a ring. Waiting to see a plus sign on a little plastic wand. Waiting to become advanced in a sport. Waiting to graduate. Waiting for Mr. or Miss Right to finally come into the story. Oh how hard waiting can be. So I'm sort of seeing how the two are connected. Waiting/Change. Can you see them connected in your own story? Recently I had a thought. I read fiction novels a LOT. Let's just say that the first thing I did when I moved to a new city a year ago was open a library account. I'm so taken in by stories, as we all are. I had a little a-ha moment the other day when I was processing my own story and thought - what if I wasn't me, but a character (ok, let's just say amazing leading roll) some author had dreamed up. And what if a woman had finally gotten to this chapter in the book about me. The one I'm in right now. She'd keep reading and flipping through the pages, excited about what was going to happen and when. Oh how lovely. She gets to flip through a lot faster than I do. But it's true right? There's a story happening and somehow all these things are going to come together for the main character (ie: me). I just have to get to that chapter. It was a peaceful thought for me. It helped me. I don't want to rush through this story, but yet I crave to know when and how certain things will come together. All of the problems and questions of life just seems simpler in a book because I get to read though the whole story in a few days time and have a settled, closed book at the end. Life isn't so clean and tidy. At least emotionally. This fall came really (REALLY) fast for me. I live at 10,000 feet, so we don't have the longest summer. But this summer was cut even shorter with higher than average rain fall. The flowers were stunning. The dozens of shades of green around me were literally overwhelming for my heart to take in. I loved summer in Summit County. But it went too fast for my liking and temperatures plummeted really quickly. I've never had a hard time saying goodbye to summer simply because the places I've lived were too hot for my liking anyhow. So I've typically had a "bring it on fall!" mantra. But this year was different. I didn't feel ready to pull out the UGG (imitation) boots. So this was a change I did not want to embrace. The great thing is that I have no choice in this one. So it helped provide an opportunity to examine how I can accept changes that I have no control over. This is a really, really simple example, but how deeply it translated to me. I'm given many other such opportunities daily. How will I react to change? Or let's simplify it even more - to anything that is out of my zone of comfort. I've been thinking about this all summer really. Pushing myself out of that zone often. And each time it has been so rewarding, friends. Each and every single time. Being brave really has it's benefits. It makes me feel strong. Able. Beautiful. Capable. Happy. Several of my yoga teachers have been talking about change in classes. My yoga mat has provided beautiful space to process this musings. Holding an uncomfortable pose allows me to either give up and collapse. Or ... BREATHE. Breathe into it. Allow for change in my body, mind and soul. This is how I'm bringing my practice off my mat lately. Now, Fall isn't all bad at 10,000 feet. Quite the opposite. Even with frosts at night, the leaves are stunning. Stunning!! And the warmth of the sun's rays on my skin feel so utterly delightful that I'm speechless. Change is always a part of our lives. It is the one thing we can count on. And that is a good thing for us. I'm learning to see that. Because only as things change can I actually reach my goals. Only as things change can the things I've waited and hoped for come into my life. There are big things I am hoping for today. I know you are too. So let's see change as a positive thing that brings those beautiful 'hopes' closer and closer to reality.

Sabbath revisited - Becoming awake to the moment

Still thinking about Sabbath, rest, summer. It's changing shape a bit though. It has to. Change is always happening isn't it? I was thinking about some of the responses to my first post. So many of my friends and family are in the midst of raising precious young kids. A sacred space for certain. Sleeping in and endless hours of reading and movie-watching aren't exactly in surplus during those seasons are they? But does that mean there isn't Sabbath? Of course not. Of course not. Sabbath can come in so many different ways and I think it's there for us in each season of life. It must be. So how do we tune into it? I think for me, it's simply being present. Awake in the moment. This is so much harder than we think. So much of my life has been spent worrying over what is to come. Ruminating about this or that. Anxiety killing the present moment. Much of my life has been with physical struggles - this has also strangled my present moment. Wishing for a new body, a new way for my body to work. Much of my life has been spent worrying over what others are thinking - did I do something? what should I have done? etc, etc. Ugh. Lots of worrying moments. So this Sabbath time is slowly teaching me that something else is available. Being present. Flourish where you are. I'm amazed at how it helps diminish my anxiety. And for someone who struggles with that, this is huge. That old saying - "Stop and smell the roses" - it really does have a lot of truth to it. Taking a walk with Jonathan on his last day of summer yesterday. We stopped. We enjoying flowers. We smelled them. We felt some that were thick and buttery soft. We gently held a poppy the size of a grapefruit. We remarked on the swelling bud of a flower yet to bloom. What color will it be? We smelled the massive peonies all around our town, amazed at their soft pink glow. Stunning flowers everywhere. These things help me stop. Enjoy. Be. Not each day will have unstructured time to do this. But we can still be present. Take a deep breath. Stop and really listen to the person sharing with you, instead of thinking about what you will say next. (oy, that's a big one, right?). Enjoy that bite of chocolate. Really. And enjoy resting when you do sit down to your favorite show, rather than thinking about what you have to do next. Enjoy reading this tiny book with your 3-year-old and just sitting on the floor hanging out. So many moments in each day. Sit in them. Be in them. So, here's to trying to live in the present. Let's try this together.

Sabbath days and Summer

I had a realization a few days ago. People have been asking how the summer is going and as I formulated my answer I've come to realize that this is the FIRST time Jonathan and I have ever enjoy a true 'summer' since we've been married. As a teacher he'd been given time off during the summer months, but the odd summer job was essential in order to make ends meet. He's been in administration for 3 years now and with the pay increase, we didn't HAVE to have a summer job, but here's what I discovered: Last year we were in the midst of our move and he literally went from one admin job to his new one up here in Breck. With the 2 hour commute, no less! So, I was packing up the house last yea, he was back and forth working up here and tying up loose ends in the Springs. Oy. Not restful. In fact, TOTALLY stressful. Two years ago I had a cardiac arrest and that provided a bit of a damper on the summer vacation. That is the understatement of the year people! ;) So this year. What is happening? Rest. Sabbath. I think I'm finally understanding what the 'big deal' about Sabbath is now that we have entered it. Not just a day of Sabbath, but an extended Sabbath. Sabbath = "to cease or disist," "to stop," "to take a break," "to celebrate." Or another Hebrew word for the same - Menuchah, which means "abode, a settled home, a place to be." I love this and feel like I'm starting on a journey of understanding what it is. At the moment, I'm simply enjoying it. Taking it in. Jonathan and I can't get enough of the smells that Breckenridge provides. The smell of aspen leaves after a mountain rain. The smell of the woods across our street. The view of the clouds over the mountains. The rays of sun throughout the day as they cascade on the landscape around us. The wildflowers all around. It's healing. The energy of the mountains really does heal. It's one of God's most amazing sites I think. It is utterly entertaining for us to sit on our rocking chairs on our deck and ... that's it! Sit there and talk. Drink tea. Laugh. Have silence. The unstructured rhythm of these days is healing us too. Waking up ... whenever! Oh the bliss. Unscheduled time together. It is so utterly wonderful. I am enjoying friendship with my husband in new ways. Delighting in watching him work in our yard on these projects he's had in his heart for years. Now we have a home we can do them in! What joy. I love watching him tinker on his bike for hours - painting it, putting it back together. I also love playing a board game or watching fun TV shows and movies. It feels like a vacation IN our home; IN our town. Now, I know this is a special season. And I am taking it in and savoring it. Two more weeks. And really, I don't feel a count-down until it's over. I am enjoying the moment today offers. Having this is teaching me how important it is. Everyone needs this. Space. An extended time to breathe, imagine, and maybe just sleep. Recover. I'm just grateful is happening. So grateful.

At my edge

I'm at a limit. At an edge. I use this term all the time, especially when I teach Yin Yoga. You go to your edge, honor it, listen when it makes itself known, stop, observe. And then as you breathe things begin to open and move and edge changes. It is so cool to witness in class, and especially in my own body when I practice. Today I come to an emotional edge. Doctors. Surgeries. Appointments. Tests. I'm at my edge. I am to my limit. I know I can keep going. But emotionally I'm feeling so drained and depleted. I can't talk about it very much. I really don't want to. I feel afraid to go forward. Afraid not to. Mix all that with hope that THIS doctor can help me further. That THIS next test will help me step into a better season of health. Hope. Promise. Like the Israelite's walking into their new land. Yes, like that. I have been crying a lot through this last series of tests. I think I'm becoming ok with that though. People tell me, "You are so strong!" And most of the time I brush it off because I see my inner world and don't think that about myself. But today ... Today I went to Murray's "Spirit of the Asana" class. What a game-changer that is for my heart up here. First of all he's a guru. He works magic as he adjusts you and it has been so altering for my practice. But it mostly feeds my soul and heart. Today he talked about when people compliment you, don't brush it off. Say "THANK YOU!" So I started to say in my heart, maybe they are right. Maybe I have been brave and strong through all this. That can be true about me today. Yes. He also talked about lighting up from the INSIDE in your practice. And as he explained that he said to picture your favorite person walking through the door right now to see you. That is what lighting up inside feels like. And it did. Joy really is strength as the Bible says. So I'm claiming Joy. I've been praying it and speaking it over my heart. It is my inheritance to have joy. It is yours too. So, yes. I'm at my edge. And I may cry many more tears. But I'm becoming ok with this. Tears purify and cleanse and they don't mean I'm not strong. And who really says what "coping well" has to look like. No more ... this looks like what it looks like. So here's to my new edge. Hello. And I think I'll start to take deep breaths now.

simple things

Little tid-bit about myself ... like most people, I have always LOVED getting school supplies; as an adult I still love it! So picking out my new calendar for the year is always fun. A trip to Target, and I even found one in my favorite color. Bonus: I decided that this month I'll color code my yoga classes and appts to be EXTRA organized. ;) So, here's to all the other calendar nerds. All the other people who still write on a calendar, rather than get a 'bing!' when they have an appt from their phone. I'm old school and I love it.