At my edge

I'm at a limit. At an edge. I use this term all the time, especially when I teach Yin Yoga. You go to your edge, honor it, listen when it makes itself known, stop, observe. And then as you breathe things begin to open and move and edge changes. It is so cool to witness in class, and especially in my own body when I practice. Today I come to an emotional edge. Doctors. Surgeries. Appointments. Tests. I'm at my edge. I am to my limit. I know I can keep going. But emotionally I'm feeling so drained and depleted. I can't talk about it very much. I really don't want to. I feel afraid to go forward. Afraid not to. Mix all that with hope that THIS doctor can help me further. That THIS next test will help me step into a better season of health. Hope. Promise. Like the Israelite's walking into their new land. Yes, like that. I have been crying a lot through this last series of tests. I think I'm becoming ok with that though. People tell me, "You are so strong!" And most of the time I brush it off because I see my inner world and don't think that about myself. But today ... Today I went to Murray's "Spirit of the Asana" class. What a game-changer that is for my heart up here. First of all he's a guru. He works magic as he adjusts you and it has been so altering for my practice. But it mostly feeds my soul and heart. Today he talked about when people compliment you, don't brush it off. Say "THANK YOU!" So I started to say in my heart, maybe they are right. Maybe I have been brave and strong through all this. That can be true about me today. Yes. He also talked about lighting up from the INSIDE in your practice. And as he explained that he said to picture your favorite person walking through the door right now to see you. That is what lighting up inside feels like. And it did. Joy really is strength as the Bible says. So I'm claiming Joy. I've been praying it and speaking it over my heart. It is my inheritance to have joy. It is yours too. So, yes. I'm at my edge. And I may cry many more tears. But I'm becoming ok with this. Tears purify and cleanse and they don't mean I'm not strong. And who really says what "coping well" has to look like. No more ... this looks like what it looks like. So here's to my new edge. Hello. And I think I'll start to take deep breaths now.

simple things

Little tid-bit about myself ... like most people, I have always LOVED getting school supplies; as an adult I still love it! So picking out my new calendar for the year is always fun. A trip to Target, and I even found one in my favorite color. Bonus: I decided that this month I'll color code my yoga classes and appts to be EXTRA organized. ;) So, here's to all the other calendar nerds. All the other people who still write on a calendar, rather than get a 'bing!' when they have an appt from their phone. I'm old school and I love it.

she's ... sensitive

It is amazing to me how we can phrase certain things. Simply by changing the emphasis on a word, the tone of voice, the exaggerated pause. All of these things make our language so complex. And also interesting (read funny). When I was little, or when I hear people talk about me as a little girl, a lot of the time I hear people use the word 'sensitive'. Yikes. One of those things I would probably change about myself. Or maybe not? My amazing Fraternal Grandmother passed away a few years ago and I miss her so often. She was THE (see how I put the emphasis on that? heehee) kindest, softest, warmest, most loving woman I have ever met. Almost to the point that it would either make you love her, or make you feel uncomfortable if you are not the touchy feely type. well I am, and I loved that about her! Over her last years of life, Grandma Hoppe would always tell me the same thing every.single.time we talked. Seriously. She'd say, "Oh precious Sara! Your dad would always say - 'she has such a tender heart!!'" She would go on and tell stories about that, but bottom line is that I would cry every time. I loved hearing something my dad said about me. I love hearing something my Grandma thinks about me now. Tender might also be another word for sensitive. Tender. I like that word. Maliable. Moldable. Aware of others. Soft. I love that rather than using a word with a negative connotation, my dad chose to use a postive one to describe me at that season of my life. It means the world to me now! I know I am on a journey to becoming less (negatively) sensitive, and more (positively) tender toward others and towards myself. Thank you dad for helping me see something beautiful. And thank you Grandma Hoppe for telling me that over and over. So grateful for a husband who loves this about his wife and helps me see this as an asset. I felt sensitive today as I was in a yoga class that focused on myo-facial release. Um. Wow! If you want to get to know your body, the only one you are ever going to have, do this type of body work. I was amazed. I learned so much about myself. I felt new things. I learned where I have areas of holding, tightness, tenderness, sensitivity. And I LOVED every second of it. No judgement. Just observing. I coax this into all my yoga teaching as well. Becoming an observer of yourself - mind, body, heart, spirit. Naming things can either bring life or death to your heart. Emphasis on one thing or another can do the same. I want to learn how, and what, and when to put emphasis on things, and when to release things or let them go. I learned that in class today physically. Excited to explore that emotionally as well.

Comfort and Joy

Living in Breckenridge is somewhat like being on a permanent vacation. Seriously. I LOVE LIVING HERE. I love the beauty. I frequently cry as I look upon it. I love that nature is so accessible. Hiking with Nyah is one of my favorite pasttimes. Sitting and reading on my front porch in my amazing (and huge) white rocking chairs (a housewarming gift) is perfection for this introvert. I love the quiet. It's so opposite of a city. It's a slower pace. Less manic. You can hear your soul exhale when you come up here. One of the things I've really noticed inwardly since we moved up here is that I feel so safe. So sheltered. This new home is providing a safe haven that is a new experience for me. It is such a gift from a loving Father. Comfort. Not in the outward sense ... but inwardly. I feel like God has his hand upon us and is holding me as a Father holds his little girl. I feel it when I hear the trees whistle in the wind. I feel it when the snow falls so gently upon our little town. Or in the amazing sunshine that courses down from Heaven. Jonathan and I decided to invest into a new hobby now that we live here ... skiing (me) and snowboarding (him). Our first time out was truly one of the most joyful days I have felt in a long time. Playing with Jonathan. Feeling myself fly down that mountain - run after run - was pure bliss. I haven't felt anything physical like that in years. Encouraging one another as we got a feel for the sport again - it was magical! Joy. Pure Joy from the Father. I got a glimpse of what that verse means, "The Joy of the Lord is your strength." It brough strength. The joy is a gift. It's not something to hoard or worship. It's not something to strive for. It's a gift. And I felt like I was able to receive it that day. I woke up on the morning of our first day skiing and I was so excited. Excited and a bit nervous! I was asking God if he had a word or a verse that he wanted me to meditate on as I skied. He showed me a verse in Corinthians that says, "The LOVE of God controls us". It was so awesome to sit with this as I tried to control my physical body in a brand new way. Every time I felt out of control, or like I was about to bite it, I would say that verse to myself. "Love controls me." "God's love." "God is here." Now that he has made me a new heart, a new life, a new woman ... his life is inside me. His love controls this woman. That is the truest thing about me. I say YES to this truth. So I have been sitting with that statement. Even on my second time skiing, all I could think about was that same verse. So I'm going with it. "The Love of God controls us

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Free Write

In the past I have been called a "book addict" by my sweet husband. He of course meant this in a very positive, whimsical way. I took it as the highest of compliments! I am definitely ok with being a book addict. Yes, indeed.

At the moment I'm reading two books about spiritual topics, one self-help type of book, the Bible, several magazines that I subscribe to, online blogs, yoga articles, and of course ... at all times I MUST MUST MUST be reading a novel. I have to emphasize this. Now, never do I read more than one novel at a time - they are meant to be savored I think. But there is something that my heart loves about always reading a novel. I love stories. I love journeying with a character. I love learning from them, dreaming with them. I love books. I love the release they give me from my life. They sweep you away to somewhere else. Story is so powerful.

In the latest novel I just read, "The Violets of March" by Sarah Jio, I came across this amazing statement. It stuck with me, made it's way into my journal that day, and now it's made the journey to my blog. So it must have resonated deeply in my heart.

"Part of my journey was to take life as it came - not to question or edit myself - the way I did every time I sat down at my computer and typed out a mediocre sentence. This March, my life was a free write."

What a statement. One worth deeply exploring I think. Even as I sat down to blog today, I must have written and erased the first sentence ten times. With writing and the creative process, that's ok. With life ... I wonder. What harm must it do to my heart when I edit it constantly. When I don't let it speak. When I suppress or compress it. I just wonder what this has done to me over the years.

I'm learning so much in my therapy and I see that this is hard for me. It's hard for me to express my deepest needs to those in my life. It's hard for me to ask. Even as I type this, I wonder how much to say - editing myself.

Now that I'm aware of this tendency in myself, I find I'm slowly making some changes. Saying things when they are hard to get out. Giving my opinion even as inwardly I worry I'll upset the person I'm giving it to. Tuning into my feelings and then openly epxressing them to the safe ones I'm blessed to do life with. It's healing me. I feel it.

So the question is this: where do you edit yourself? What area of your life needs to be a 'free write' today? Let this March be that. And hopefully April, May, June ...

And she danced ...

My recent journey is one of depth, one of deep self observation, and one of honoring the heart. I'm learning what this looks like each day as life happens, emotions come, and I need to react. We have so many choices on a daily basis of what we do with our heart. Our heart. This living breathing organ inside of us that pumps blood and oxygen through our body. This thing that is the life force of all our organs. Oh how I treasure this heart. But I want to treasure it more. I certainly think about it more than I ever have before. So, what does it mean to truly take care of my heart? I'm learning. That's my current journey.

This past weekend my brother got married. Now, I know he's my brother-in-law but Nathan is truly my brother in every sense of the word so we'll just leave out the b-i-l label. Nathan married his true soul mate, Elizabeth May Webb. It was an epic wedding. Epic in the sense that I literally felt the Kingdom of God open up and come down. The Kingdom "came" to earth through this union. I felt it in my bones. I felt it in my heart.

As Elizabeth gracefully and joyfully walked down that isle to her awaiting groom, angels sang and light blazed. As I stood and watched my brother looking at his adorned bride walking down the isle, tears streamed down my eyes. I felt thunder, I felt applause of angels. I felt ... TRUE JOY. I could not contain my smile. Bursting! I felt I was going to burst! I haven't had an experience like this before. I felt like the Spirit came and gifted me with the gift of joy. It was a joy in the God who restores all things. Who brings "beauty from ashes, joy from mourning". This is the God that I serve! And I felt like that wedding was one huge worship service to this God, to this Jesus. It. Was. Amazing.

Not only that, but the reception ... glorious. I danced with all my might! I danced with my groom of 8 years that I fall MORE and MORE in love with each day. I completely let go and danced with pure adoration of this amazing God and the love he bestows. Maybe that is what David felt when he danced before the Lord. I certainly think so. This worship felt no different to my spirit than how I feel when I'm listening to worship music and singing. It was an amazing blessing. It was a gift.

Later on the car ride home, late into the night, I said to Jonathan, "I feel like I am high." Though I'd drunk no alchohol whatsoever. I knew that I quick literally was high on love. Amazing. Not just a surfacey love feeling that comes and goes. This was deeper. This was spirit-filled.

So as I'm processing this I feel like maybe this is part of the journey that happens when you choose to live in more freedom with your heart. Maybe this is the effect. You get to feel MORE. I've always been a sensitive girl (my parents and loved ones will confirm this) but maybe I'm going to experience even more in this heart of mine as Jesus restores more and more of it. That excites me.

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Just days after this, a situation brought me to tears. Deep tears.

Tears seem to be coming more easily as well. I am allowing them to come. If I feel the urge, I let it go. No longer storing things. No longer pushing things down. Choosing to live and feel and communicate those feelings. Tears are amazing. I feel they, like the joy that I felt so deeply only days ago, are a special gift.

"The gifts of tears and laughter are among the signs of empowered release. Tears do not necessarily mean sadness or depression. Tears can be a cleansing act of opening, an expression of gratitude and love pouring forth from the deep springs of inner life. Even when tears do come from grief, grieving openly and freely is a bodily sign of trust and release."
(Father Thomas Ryan, pg 54, Reclaming the Body in Christian Spirituality)

So, I'm going to continue to pave these news paths for my heart. I'm going to continue the dance of communicating my feelings to those in my life. I'm going after more and more and more healing each day. This is my journey. And my heart feels alive. Even in the pain. Even in the confusion and heartache. I'm alive and I'm so very glad.

Honey I'm Home

To say the last few months have been hard would be a vast understatement. I'm amazed and stunned at the moments of joy and clarity that come in the midst of this season though. Today provided one of those moments. Quiet though it was; profound as well.

I must back up by sharing something that goes deep within me. Something that came from being with my dad. You see, when I remember my dad, I never remember being a nusance, or being a bother to him. If he was in a conversation, I could come up to him and stand there and sort of listen in. He'd put his arm around me and just continue talking. If he was working, I could come into his office and hang out. I absolutley and completely LOVE this memory that I have of my dad. I hold on to it deeply.

So when people in my life offer the same feeling, it touches on something so core for me. And today, friends offered it in ways they will probably never know.

After a yoga class this a.m. I decided to call my friend Big Al who is the closest thing to a father figure for me at this present season of life. I adore this man. He's so unlike my own dad, so don't think he's "Len-ish". He's not. He's chilled, relaxed, slow, steady. So I call Big Al to see if today is the day he extracts honey from the hives that he has. He's a bee-keeper! I mean, how cool is that? These people raise bees or whatever it is you do with bees. I would love to come watch, as I'm fascinated with things like this. As he answers the phone I ask if he's doing the honey today and the first thing out of his mouth? "Are you coming over!?" No hesitation. I'm not in the way. They want me there.

My heart soared. He had no idea what he offered me, but there it was, and I accepted. It felt like coming home. This is what community feels like. Home.

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This is so Jesus. I have been hearing Jesus speak to me in subtle, sometimes funny, ways. As a friend talks to a friend. He'll point things out to me. Like this ravene in the sillouette of Pike's Peak that I'd never seen the sun touch in quite the way it was doing last Friday night. Or a bubble floating around the bathroom as I washed my hands today. A smile crossed my lips and I knew Jesus showed me that. I love this side of Jesus.

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So, honey. Let's get back to the honey. It's so cool to see people doing things like this. The smell as you walk into the greenhouse where they were extracting was unlike anything I'd ever smelled! Floral. Sweet. Natural. Beautiful. Heavenly. I watched then scrap the comb. Spin the honey to release it. Amazing! I even had bees flying around me without a fear of getting stung b/c everyone else seemed chilled so I might as well join in and be chilled too. I didn't get stung either.

I loved it.

And while I can't eat honey right now, I can smell it. And I can enjoy the creation Christ spoke into exisistence with his very Word. Amazing isn't it?

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By the way, thanks Ninny for prodding me to blog again. I adore you.