Sabbath revisited - Becoming awake to the moment

Still thinking about Sabbath, rest, summer. It's changing shape a bit though. It has to. Change is always happening isn't it? I was thinking about some of the responses to my first post. So many of my friends and family are in the midst of raising precious young kids. A sacred space for certain. Sleeping in and endless hours of reading and movie-watching aren't exactly in surplus during those seasons are they? But does that mean there isn't Sabbath? Of course not. Of course not. Sabbath can come in so many different ways and I think it's there for us in each season of life. It must be. So how do we tune into it? I think for me, it's simply being present. Awake in the moment. This is so much harder than we think. So much of my life has been spent worrying over what is to come. Ruminating about this or that. Anxiety killing the present moment. Much of my life has been with physical struggles - this has also strangled my present moment. Wishing for a new body, a new way for my body to work. Much of my life has been spent worrying over what others are thinking - did I do something? what should I have done? etc, etc. Ugh. Lots of worrying moments. So this Sabbath time is slowly teaching me that something else is available. Being present. Flourish where you are. I'm amazed at how it helps diminish my anxiety. And for someone who struggles with that, this is huge. That old saying - "Stop and smell the roses" - it really does have a lot of truth to it. Taking a walk with Jonathan on his last day of summer yesterday. We stopped. We enjoying flowers. We smelled them. We felt some that were thick and buttery soft. We gently held a poppy the size of a grapefruit. We remarked on the swelling bud of a flower yet to bloom. What color will it be? We smelled the massive peonies all around our town, amazed at their soft pink glow. Stunning flowers everywhere. These things help me stop. Enjoy. Be. Not each day will have unstructured time to do this. But we can still be present. Take a deep breath. Stop and really listen to the person sharing with you, instead of thinking about what you will say next. (oy, that's a big one, right?). Enjoy that bite of chocolate. Really. And enjoy resting when you do sit down to your favorite show, rather than thinking about what you have to do next. Enjoy reading this tiny book with your 3-year-old and just sitting on the floor hanging out. So many moments in each day. Sit in them. Be in them. So, here's to trying to live in the present. Let's try this together.

Sabbath days and Summer

I had a realization a few days ago. People have been asking how the summer is going and as I formulated my answer I've come to realize that this is the FIRST time Jonathan and I have ever enjoy a true 'summer' since we've been married. As a teacher he'd been given time off during the summer months, but the odd summer job was essential in order to make ends meet. He's been in administration for 3 years now and with the pay increase, we didn't HAVE to have a summer job, but here's what I discovered: Last year we were in the midst of our move and he literally went from one admin job to his new one up here in Breck. With the 2 hour commute, no less! So, I was packing up the house last yea, he was back and forth working up here and tying up loose ends in the Springs. Oy. Not restful. In fact, TOTALLY stressful. Two years ago I had a cardiac arrest and that provided a bit of a damper on the summer vacation. That is the understatement of the year people! ;) So this year. What is happening? Rest. Sabbath. I think I'm finally understanding what the 'big deal' about Sabbath is now that we have entered it. Not just a day of Sabbath, but an extended Sabbath. Sabbath = "to cease or disist," "to stop," "to take a break," "to celebrate." Or another Hebrew word for the same - Menuchah, which means "abode, a settled home, a place to be." I love this and feel like I'm starting on a journey of understanding what it is. At the moment, I'm simply enjoying it. Taking it in. Jonathan and I can't get enough of the smells that Breckenridge provides. The smell of aspen leaves after a mountain rain. The smell of the woods across our street. The view of the clouds over the mountains. The rays of sun throughout the day as they cascade on the landscape around us. The wildflowers all around. It's healing. The energy of the mountains really does heal. It's one of God's most amazing sites I think. It is utterly entertaining for us to sit on our rocking chairs on our deck and ... that's it! Sit there and talk. Drink tea. Laugh. Have silence. The unstructured rhythm of these days is healing us too. Waking up ... whenever! Oh the bliss. Unscheduled time together. It is so utterly wonderful. I am enjoying friendship with my husband in new ways. Delighting in watching him work in our yard on these projects he's had in his heart for years. Now we have a home we can do them in! What joy. I love watching him tinker on his bike for hours - painting it, putting it back together. I also love playing a board game or watching fun TV shows and movies. It feels like a vacation IN our home; IN our town. Now, I know this is a special season. And I am taking it in and savoring it. Two more weeks. And really, I don't feel a count-down until it's over. I am enjoying the moment today offers. Having this is teaching me how important it is. Everyone needs this. Space. An extended time to breathe, imagine, and maybe just sleep. Recover. I'm just grateful is happening. So grateful.

At my edge

I'm at a limit. At an edge. I use this term all the time, especially when I teach Yin Yoga. You go to your edge, honor it, listen when it makes itself known, stop, observe. And then as you breathe things begin to open and move and edge changes. It is so cool to witness in class, and especially in my own body when I practice. Today I come to an emotional edge. Doctors. Surgeries. Appointments. Tests. I'm at my edge. I am to my limit. I know I can keep going. But emotionally I'm feeling so drained and depleted. I can't talk about it very much. I really don't want to. I feel afraid to go forward. Afraid not to. Mix all that with hope that THIS doctor can help me further. That THIS next test will help me step into a better season of health. Hope. Promise. Like the Israelite's walking into their new land. Yes, like that. I have been crying a lot through this last series of tests. I think I'm becoming ok with that though. People tell me, "You are so strong!" And most of the time I brush it off because I see my inner world and don't think that about myself. But today ... Today I went to Murray's "Spirit of the Asana" class. What a game-changer that is for my heart up here. First of all he's a guru. He works magic as he adjusts you and it has been so altering for my practice. But it mostly feeds my soul and heart. Today he talked about when people compliment you, don't brush it off. Say "THANK YOU!" So I started to say in my heart, maybe they are right. Maybe I have been brave and strong through all this. That can be true about me today. Yes. He also talked about lighting up from the INSIDE in your practice. And as he explained that he said to picture your favorite person walking through the door right now to see you. That is what lighting up inside feels like. And it did. Joy really is strength as the Bible says. So I'm claiming Joy. I've been praying it and speaking it over my heart. It is my inheritance to have joy. It is yours too. So, yes. I'm at my edge. And I may cry many more tears. But I'm becoming ok with this. Tears purify and cleanse and they don't mean I'm not strong. And who really says what "coping well" has to look like. No more ... this looks like what it looks like. So here's to my new edge. Hello. And I think I'll start to take deep breaths now.

simple things

Little tid-bit about myself ... like most people, I have always LOVED getting school supplies; as an adult I still love it! So picking out my new calendar for the year is always fun. A trip to Target, and I even found one in my favorite color. Bonus: I decided that this month I'll color code my yoga classes and appts to be EXTRA organized. ;) So, here's to all the other calendar nerds. All the other people who still write on a calendar, rather than get a 'bing!' when they have an appt from their phone. I'm old school and I love it.

she's ... sensitive

It is amazing to me how we can phrase certain things. Simply by changing the emphasis on a word, the tone of voice, the exaggerated pause. All of these things make our language so complex. And also interesting (read funny). When I was little, or when I hear people talk about me as a little girl, a lot of the time I hear people use the word 'sensitive'. Yikes. One of those things I would probably change about myself. Or maybe not? My amazing Fraternal Grandmother passed away a few years ago and I miss her so often. She was THE (see how I put the emphasis on that? heehee) kindest, softest, warmest, most loving woman I have ever met. Almost to the point that it would either make you love her, or make you feel uncomfortable if you are not the touchy feely type. well I am, and I loved that about her! Over her last years of life, Grandma Hoppe would always tell me the same thing every.single.time we talked. Seriously. She'd say, "Oh precious Sara! Your dad would always say - 'she has such a tender heart!!'" She would go on and tell stories about that, but bottom line is that I would cry every time. I loved hearing something my dad said about me. I love hearing something my Grandma thinks about me now. Tender might also be another word for sensitive. Tender. I like that word. Maliable. Moldable. Aware of others. Soft. I love that rather than using a word with a negative connotation, my dad chose to use a postive one to describe me at that season of my life. It means the world to me now! I know I am on a journey to becoming less (negatively) sensitive, and more (positively) tender toward others and towards myself. Thank you dad for helping me see something beautiful. And thank you Grandma Hoppe for telling me that over and over. So grateful for a husband who loves this about his wife and helps me see this as an asset. I felt sensitive today as I was in a yoga class that focused on myo-facial release. Um. Wow! If you want to get to know your body, the only one you are ever going to have, do this type of body work. I was amazed. I learned so much about myself. I felt new things. I learned where I have areas of holding, tightness, tenderness, sensitivity. And I LOVED every second of it. No judgement. Just observing. I coax this into all my yoga teaching as well. Becoming an observer of yourself - mind, body, heart, spirit. Naming things can either bring life or death to your heart. Emphasis on one thing or another can do the same. I want to learn how, and what, and when to put emphasis on things, and when to release things or let them go. I learned that in class today physically. Excited to explore that emotionally as well.

Comfort and Joy

Living in Breckenridge is somewhat like being on a permanent vacation. Seriously. I LOVE LIVING HERE. I love the beauty. I frequently cry as I look upon it. I love that nature is so accessible. Hiking with Nyah is one of my favorite pasttimes. Sitting and reading on my front porch in my amazing (and huge) white rocking chairs (a housewarming gift) is perfection for this introvert. I love the quiet. It's so opposite of a city. It's a slower pace. Less manic. You can hear your soul exhale when you come up here. One of the things I've really noticed inwardly since we moved up here is that I feel so safe. So sheltered. This new home is providing a safe haven that is a new experience for me. It is such a gift from a loving Father. Comfort. Not in the outward sense ... but inwardly. I feel like God has his hand upon us and is holding me as a Father holds his little girl. I feel it when I hear the trees whistle in the wind. I feel it when the snow falls so gently upon our little town. Or in the amazing sunshine that courses down from Heaven. Jonathan and I decided to invest into a new hobby now that we live here ... skiing (me) and snowboarding (him). Our first time out was truly one of the most joyful days I have felt in a long time. Playing with Jonathan. Feeling myself fly down that mountain - run after run - was pure bliss. I haven't felt anything physical like that in years. Encouraging one another as we got a feel for the sport again - it was magical! Joy. Pure Joy from the Father. I got a glimpse of what that verse means, "The Joy of the Lord is your strength." It brough strength. The joy is a gift. It's not something to hoard or worship. It's not something to strive for. It's a gift. And I felt like I was able to receive it that day. I woke up on the morning of our first day skiing and I was so excited. Excited and a bit nervous! I was asking God if he had a word or a verse that he wanted me to meditate on as I skied. He showed me a verse in Corinthians that says, "The LOVE of God controls us". It was so awesome to sit with this as I tried to control my physical body in a brand new way. Every time I felt out of control, or like I was about to bite it, I would say that verse to myself. "Love controls me." "God's love." "God is here." Now that he has made me a new heart, a new life, a new woman ... his life is inside me. His love controls this woman. That is the truest thing about me. I say YES to this truth. So I have been sitting with that statement. Even on my second time skiing, all I could think about was that same verse. So I'm going with it. "The Love of God controls us

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Free Write

In the past I have been called a "book addict" by my sweet husband. He of course meant this in a very positive, whimsical way. I took it as the highest of compliments! I am definitely ok with being a book addict. Yes, indeed.

At the moment I'm reading two books about spiritual topics, one self-help type of book, the Bible, several magazines that I subscribe to, online blogs, yoga articles, and of course ... at all times I MUST MUST MUST be reading a novel. I have to emphasize this. Now, never do I read more than one novel at a time - they are meant to be savored I think. But there is something that my heart loves about always reading a novel. I love stories. I love journeying with a character. I love learning from them, dreaming with them. I love books. I love the release they give me from my life. They sweep you away to somewhere else. Story is so powerful.

In the latest novel I just read, "The Violets of March" by Sarah Jio, I came across this amazing statement. It stuck with me, made it's way into my journal that day, and now it's made the journey to my blog. So it must have resonated deeply in my heart.

"Part of my journey was to take life as it came - not to question or edit myself - the way I did every time I sat down at my computer and typed out a mediocre sentence. This March, my life was a free write."

What a statement. One worth deeply exploring I think. Even as I sat down to blog today, I must have written and erased the first sentence ten times. With writing and the creative process, that's ok. With life ... I wonder. What harm must it do to my heart when I edit it constantly. When I don't let it speak. When I suppress or compress it. I just wonder what this has done to me over the years.

I'm learning so much in my therapy and I see that this is hard for me. It's hard for me to express my deepest needs to those in my life. It's hard for me to ask. Even as I type this, I wonder how much to say - editing myself.

Now that I'm aware of this tendency in myself, I find I'm slowly making some changes. Saying things when they are hard to get out. Giving my opinion even as inwardly I worry I'll upset the person I'm giving it to. Tuning into my feelings and then openly epxressing them to the safe ones I'm blessed to do life with. It's healing me. I feel it.

So the question is this: where do you edit yourself? What area of your life needs to be a 'free write' today? Let this March be that. And hopefully April, May, June ...