Numb Fingers

Why is that when you're sad, it's so hard to write? It might not be that way for some people. When I read certain writers and poets, their language sounds extremely depressed. These are actually writers that I am not drawn to at all. Who needs to be depressed by reading? Not me. Maybe depression actually HELPS some; allows their creative juices to flow. Not so much for me. I'm the opposite. Depression is making me feel a numbness that I didn't know I possessed. Maybe that's what I need to write about. Numbness.

I could write about the fact that my hands and feet literally do go numb at times. It's sort of funny. They either turn completely white or completely blue. It is a condition called Raynaud Syndrome. My feet and/or hands don't get proper circulation at times, resulting in a loss of blood flow and turn blue. Awesome.

My heart feels like that right now. It's not getting ... something. Life maybe. I feel shut off, and shut down. Lost in the endless rituals of doctors appointments, medicines, pills, herbs, teas, loneliness, heartache ...

I actually hate complaining about it, too. That isn't me. I hate complainers so I certainly don't want to be one.

Ok, back to life. Back to figuring out how to get rid of the numbness.

I'm reminded during this Advent season that Jesus came, Immanuel showed up. "God With Us" invaded the earth. Why? "I have come that they might have Life," he says. "I have come that Sara might have life." It feels easy when I break it down to that. Christ is here. In the mundane, ordinary, secluded world that I am living it. He's here. He is Life. That is enough to get me through this evening.

Sometimes when I am doing my yogic breathing, I link a word or phrase to the breath. It is so powerful; an amazing way to meditate on God. You should definitely try this practice. When I breath in and out, I say (in my head/heart) a phrase or word. In this case, I think I will try "I have come" on the inhale, and "To bring Life" on the exhale. After doing this for 5 minutes, I know my heart will feel more alive.

More Life.

Less Numbness.